i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
