you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
