I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
