i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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