apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
