he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
