Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
