i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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