that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
