The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's shark week go big or go home
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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