I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
