I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize