I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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