I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
