before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize