I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
