I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
