There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
