Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
