My hand turned me down
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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