I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
