I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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