That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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