can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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