I met the friendliest cop last night
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
