just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize