Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
