Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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