dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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