I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
even my farts smell like vagina
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
