Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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