Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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