Non-Jews are for practice
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
