The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
