she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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