planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
