You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
