I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
