My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
