I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
