hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
