Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
