I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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