You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
