I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
