in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
