just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm both gender and math confused
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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