I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
