my phone needs a breathalizer
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
