feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
