respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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