i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
