You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
