You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
