We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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